Day 212 - Am I my history? (pt.1)

Today I went through a situation of emotional stress, accompanied by intensive self judgement according to programmed and learned thought patterns that I constructed, accepted and allowed throughout the experiences of my past.

I will take this recent incident as an anker point to move from there in all dimensions of my current mental and physical state, which could be described as an insecure condition of my personality with a desperate search / longing for validation and reassurement from others, wherein that need for validation and appreciation has become a major influence on a main part of my whole inner and outer world, my perception of it, my actions and reactions according to my vague interpretations of this perception and all that already caused trouble, emotional turmoil and even harm to [others in my environment] my family and friends in many different ways and on multiple layers of interpersonal relations.

After these events or that chain of events that I was involved in today and that followed a decision I took earlier that day, I was sitting emotionally shattered in my room for many hours. I started thinking about what had happened and began to ask myself what would and could have happened if this or that hadn't happened or if I would have made a different decision in some case or another.

And all those speculations were followed by an immediate reaction of defense, namely searching for an excuse, a justification that would get this weight of responsibility for my living expression within all these moments off of my shoulders. And I noticed that after about half an hour of thinking and arguing with myself.

So I ralized how I was decieving myself and zoomed in more into the timeline of my memories of my experiences today, and that opened up a whole new bunch of smaller, but equally important decisions and considerations I made inbetween those that I first saw as the only relevant ones. By doing so I was able to come clear about my motivations, my deceptions about them and I clearly saw the decisions to blame the outside, i.e. The outer circumstances and other people's actions.

By figuring all this out I was able to stop myself from looking for justifications for the decisions I made; I stopped myself when I reached such a point where I was looking for excuses, took a breath and observed my emotional reaction, on the surface and as well when I saw that all these excuses aren't actually valid. The interesting thing is, that each loss of self-justification actually was a relief, even though facing the truth of yourself in moments of consequential but careless decisions is anything but a pleasant experience.

A further interesting and important point as I realized is, that the most difficult thing is to overcome these points of self justification where the excuse seems to be an obvious logical fact to oneself. We all live those unspoken laws, dogmas, belief systems, whose validity we take for granted without even thinking about them and if we questioned those systems we'd fear the loss of identity or individuality. It is distinctively unpleasant to stop yourself from ignoring these points or to simply skip them. The paradigm of self honesty is key here and once understood there actually is no way around it without compromising one's own self trust and self esteem in consequence.

Being a human, a human consciousness and in process as we all are, this time again I first walked the path into self torturing mind games where I flushed myself deep down the spiral of my history and into my memories of my history as well as into my usual habit of self pity, followed by a strongly emerging rejection of all that, while I try to block these thoughts and emotions.

(continued one day after the event)

When I got really exhausted just by thinking and triggering emotions and thought patterns for a long period of time I finally was able to slow myself down, calm down and to start writing as I did last night and as I am still doing right now. And although it seemed like I actually am my own history, the story that I told myself and that I still believe in, by writing about it and digging into my emotional experiences and reactions, realizing structures within my personal belief system I become aware of my potential to direct myself within all that and in that moment there is responsibility, acceptance of consequence and the dedication learnfrom that, to forgive and correct myself.

For reasons of privacy and protection of others' personal rights I will not go into thematic detail of the event neither will I mention any names of other people that were involved. This writing is for myself, to stop myself from running routines of self sabotage or walk backwards in my mind, restricting myself and not working with what is here as well as to stop repetition of the same patterns over and over again; to move on, develop my Self, create my Self so that I am not so much part of the problem, but rather a part of the solutions in a way that they are best for all.

To be continued!

 

Tag 200 - Group dynamics, leaders and elites

In every group movement based on democratic principles, one should maintain awareness for a tendency of some of the founders and their companions to form an elitist, exclusive "head", even if they don't recognize it themselves. They might in some cases develop a dangerous attitude to see themselves as unquestionable. But he only point that proves this attitude right is the even more dangerous tendency of those that immediately jump in  when someone is questioning a statement or even asking for a better understanding of a proposition made by one of this sub-group, pretending an argument just to align again in the next move as if they had been convinced. This is like a defense mechanism following the herd instinct of an individual that can block all healthy dynamics of what a group movement's intention actually was. All elitist structures within groups support this process of stagnation, because individual development , integration and participation is no longer seen as a process of mutual and equal support, but rather as an attempt to align with the understandings and  assertions of the elite group only.

But you find these patterns in all areas of human social life, even between two people. Friends will consolidate just for the sake of feeling more secure in their views as a lobby of two or more. People align to mainstream opinions without even understanding them for the same reasons.

Anyway, insecurity remains, and it should remain to a certain level because otherwise certainty could just become a hardened form of ignorance. Being content with oneself, self-responsible and stable as an individual is essential for being a supportive part of a group, but that does not rule out the ability to maintain an open mind, particularly with regards to the process it takes to get to that point of self-integrity.

                                          

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally to patterns that I observe as a group dynamic building sub groups of people that I see as superior and therefore judge them and assume that they behave as an elite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate from a starting point of insecurity when I react emotionally to such a pattern and start an argument just to assure myself of the justification of my point of view, which is in that moment actually self-righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to stop myself within my emotional reaction and to breathe until I am able to approach this point with common sense and articulate what I see with the intention to actually come to an understanding of how and why I see this friction and conflict within myself and the presenting situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush into an interaction and communication out of an emotional turmoil without understanding and clarity of what I am actually heading to, even if I am aware of a point that I see as important to be communicated but that I need to analyze, deconstruct and understand totally in the first place before communicating it.

I commit myself to whenever I react emotionally to a conversation, a situation, an interaction that I perceive to stop myself within that emotional reaction, to breathe in awareness and to see whether my reaction is actually based on common sense, if my presumptions and understanding can stand the test of my own self honesty and self-understanding, and when I still see a point of discussion I commit myself  to articulate it in a clear and commonsensical way with the self-honest intention to clarify and understand, to learn and to grow.

 

Tag 198 - Process and Life or: Living process

The principles of waking a collective structured process in the face of tasks, duties, jobs and other requirements of everyday life can become a challenge. Here I am working on points of my own experience and resistances, reactions and actual facts where I have to make clear decisions in order to commit myself fully to the principles of what is best for all, to the responsibilities of life, of the group and my self.


Desteni I Process:
http://desteniiprocess.com

Day 104 - Can Love-Stories save the world? Brief review of 'Les Miserables' (2012)

burgermac / Foter.com / CC BY

First of all, 'Les Miserables' is an amazing piece of art, I would not question that. But what it really shows to us, or what it should slam into our faces and in my case it did while I was watching it, is that despite of the abuse and pain and sorrow, despite all that ignorance and exploitation, the misery created by man and inflicted on man, nothing has ever really changed.

'This is the music of the people who will not be slaves again', and look where we are now. We are the very same slaves that we have always been, enslaved by our own accepted and self created systems, controled, drugged and violated by it's ruthless regulations. We enslave millions of people for banal purposes, luxury, comfort, prestige. We are primitive, dumb, ignorant and we spit in the face of Life all day.

Why has nothing ever changed? Because we never tackled the root cause of all human problems: the delusional mind, the self identification as the mind and only the mind, in separation in an artificial, virtual reality of thoughts, as if life was a fairytale. This is why 'love' corrupts all plans in those plays, this is why anger and hate overcomes all common sense. This is why never ever in history one single revolution brought any change for human beings and all Life towards real freedom.

The Lovestory is a substitute to avoid the glance at the real issues, the causes of these problems as abuse, exploitation, hatred and inequality. We have made monsters out of ourselves because we trust our minds, we sold ourselves as Life to the promises of the mind which will never be fulfilled, simply because they are not real. The purpose is to keep us striving in the wrong direction while the answer is in direct reach, for each of us. Giving up the illusion of Self as the mind and Ego, starting to live as the body, becoming one and equal with and as all Life. This is what the longing is about, this is what Love stands for and what finally renders the 'Love-Story' redundant.

When I watch the play I do not see those characters as individuals, I do not see the story as a person's fate, I see them as representations for each and every single being that suffers and dies because of inequality, ignorance, violence, hate and fear. I see the final consolidation of lovers and the journey to their junction as the journey to Life that each and every one has to walk, a process of clarification, a process of understanding oneself to become self-directed and self-responsible, no longer driven by outside forces, by programms and belief systems, but determined by principles of Life itself, decisions made in awareness breath by breath, one and equal with all Life.

http://desteni.org

http://equalmoney.org

http://destonians.com

http://eqafe.com

Day 30 - Whining is a blame and shame game (DIP)

Whining is an interesting thing, and throughout my life I found myself many times in such a mood, i got so used to it that it was underlying my everyday life and even when I was not apparently whining, I would have spread the intention of whining through all my interactions, my whole behaviour was that of a whining man. When I was all alone on myself, in my room, I had moments that could last hours, where I celebrated my mood of whining in self pitty, regret, frustration and despair. I cried and hit the walls with my fist and head, tried to scream out to the world my inner pain and blame. I felt rejected by the whole world, especially my family/father, and while I became more and more addicted and dependant on this self pitty and whining behaviour I moved myself more and more into a deadlock situation. I don't intend to elaborate my whole childhood story here in this blog, on the one hand I did other blogs and vlogs about it already and on the other I find that it is not even relevant for the exploration of 'whining', what sorts of specific experiences cause you to develop that habit. Relevant is the realization of how it traps you, how it becomes a habit that gets you stuck and prevents you from realizing that the hell that you experience, the pain, the anger and fear is all just self created, a rejective reaction towards your own Self-Responsibility.

Most of the times the superficial triggers for getting into a whining mood were disappointments, failed expectations from a specific situation, when I returned home from a meeting with 'friends', when I had a controversial with others and felt that I was misunderstood etc. But in the end all those apparant triggers were all just an excuse for not facing the real relevant points in self honesty, because within all that superficial explanations it is always easy to find excuses, easy to blame others, the circumstances, the weather or whatever. But looking at it in self honesty reveals the true origins of one's self pitty, of one's whining and blaming: you do not stand for yourself, not for what you have become, you are not willing to accept your responsibility for what you are, for the situation you are in and for what you have allowed, accepted and created in this world. Most of the time you don't even know what / who you are, why you feel or think that way, why you desire, wish and want things. But nevertheless you always try and take effort into the act of achievement, into striving for those things and you call it / see it as your personal fulfillment. All the time following ghosts, following blindly whatever systems or programs are operating inside your mind, without supervision, without any control. Just accepted and allowed by yourself, accepted and allowed determination as well as the consequences that you are whining about later on. So, who is to blame?

Yourself then? But baming yourself doesn't do anything. It makes things worth. Because most of the time when falling into depressed moods, desperate about the hopeless situation that you find yourself in, when you turn to yourself and start to feel guilty, blaming yourself for failing, not being good or strong enough, you still miss the points that really caused all your trouble. You still separate yourself from the universe so to speak, seeing yourself as a special existance, that has been put into this environment, that is a victim to the circumstances. And this is the big mistake, because you as a human being here on this planet ARE the circumstances, you ARE creating this reality, you ARE forming the conditions. And all blame, whether on yourself or others, will remain superficial, useless, futile, nonsense. Not a single relevant action of change will come out of a mind condition of blame and victimization, because these thoughts of separation are actually the motor that keeps the same system running, that continuously produces exactly those consequences that make you whine in the first place. Simple and obvious common sense, you only have to dare to look into things in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a victim of 'others', of 'the system', of 'my family', of 'my social status' rather than to realize and accept the fact that all that we as humans have created, allowed and accepted to exist as a system on this planet, power, money, politics, industry etc. is our own, individual and sociological responsibility and that there is no separation from that if one faces the facts of reality and common sense as Life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine about my disappointments in Life, facing the challenges of an unjust system while striving for desires, whishes and personal dreams that haven't even been my own self chosen ones but have been programmed into my mind consciousness system by society, by media and culture and by myself through accepting and allowing those values and ideas, hardly ever questioning them to become my personality, to determine my decisions, judgements and the aims of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with ideas of personal fulfillment, always taking preprogrammed values and ideals as scales of my self judgement, never considering my own self, never considering the interests of others, just blindly following the carrot on a string, consuming, striving, running, failing, regretting, whining, blaming until resignation and depression triggered the patterns of self abuse and then the next temptation of the system's consuming motivators lured me into the mind trap and got me starting the circle all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see/realize the self entrapment of whining and how it prevented me from actually changing things, starting with myself, how it was/has become my self victimization as an excuse for not going deeper into my own self realization of self responsibility.

I forgive myself tha I have accepted and allowed myself to pitty myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually celebrate my self pitty and to feel 'at home' in this mood of whining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that within my whining there was always a hidden hope for redemption from an outside power and that therefore my whining was an act of self abandonment and born out of a fear to accept my own self responsibility.

I commit myself in the moment of any upcoming related feeling / emotion to whining like self pity, resignation, frustration, 'giving up', any temptation to start whining about anything or anyone to stop my participation within those patterns, to breathe and look at the points that were actually triggering this whining mood, face the hidden fears and habits in self honesty, to apply self forgiveness on them and see them as what they are: a self made trap of the mind to hinder myself from facing self responsibility and actually directing myself with self will and according to common sense self directive principles of oneness and equality of all life.

I commit myself to look inside myself whenever I feel like whining in order to trace the hidden fears that prevent me from facing my own self responsibility and self determination.

 

Day 25 - There is no path to follow, follow your Self Honesty

 You do not need to read any scriptures, walk the Eightfold buddhist path, become a hermit or a literate smart ass of any school in order to develop the right view of things. It is available in every breath, for everyone. Simply dare to face phenomena as they really are and do not form, color and interpret them within your mind. Face the human world, what we have created accepted and allowed as it is, stand as your Self and see. There is no need to copy exercises and follow any written steps. This can be done immediately by everyone. It takes courage, facing your fears and challenging your ideologies, but humans have the ability and the obligation to do so, if they want to be free, as Life, as themselves, as what they really are. Following any path, scripture or school simply means that you want to cloak yourself, you want to hide that you do not dare to stand for yourself, therefore you follow a herd that is walking nowhere but towards self righteousness self adulation, creating new shiny but illusionary ego costumes. You will not change that way, because you are still the mind, working concealed, hidden, forming startegies to manipulate you and all around you so that you will blind yourself, delude yourself into the belief that you were doing the right thing, because you feel good, feel better, feel stronger. But look at the world, even with all those masters, schools, religions, nothing ever changed the world for a better. It is all a failure, all scriptures, lectures, religious interpretations of words, without understanding the fact that they are actually killing them. That may be one reason why most of these so called 'masters' never took a note and never encouraged someone to write their words down. They simply spoke them, living words, they lived by their own words. And I am quite convinced that many of them said the same thing as I am saying [- how dare you, blasphemer! - ] Open your eyes, face the madness you are creating because you choose to walk through your life asleep, following dreams that will never be real, never be fulfilled, because they are not made of anything real! They are made of thoughts. You want to live in paradise? Accept your Self-Responsibility, wake up, live, change and create what you want to see out of yourSELF! 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe following a spiritual path written down in any books, taught by Gurus would in fact lead me to self realization and change me and the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that the only way to self realization must and can only depend on myslef, my self honesty and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that the attempt to follow any group of people like a sheep, to follow their rules, scriptures and rituals simply because they seem to have an attraction and value, means to hide from your self responsibility for Life and is an attempt to give away control so that you won't have to stand for your decisions and the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a system of believes and call that my personality and identify with it, creating polarizations and conflicts everywhere and whenever my personal world views, values, philosophies contradict with reality as it is, instead of realising that following personal philosophies is merely following personal interest, self righteousness and valuing comfort above any common sense and dignity of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a robot, fed with a programm created by culture, family, society and accepted and allowed by myself to evaluate, to develop a static Idea about myself and my value within this system that I as a robot am functioning in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to escape the system through meditation and following practices of buddhist schools, while at the same time I was creating separation within the mind and was in fact perpetuating the mechanics that keep the human enslavement system of the mind in separation alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find a value of myself within the development of meditation skills, and did not realize that this was nothing else than the idea of our human systems of self interest, manipulation, individualism, consumerism within a spiritual context where you climb stairs of skillfulness and recieve the acknowledgement of those that admire your disciplin and the you fall for the same mindfuck that keeps the abusive, self destroing ideologies of human development through competition, which has obviously more than failed, alive.

I commit myself to expose self entrapment through the mind as the Ego wherever I am able to.

I commit myself to expose myself with every mindfuck that determined my life and lead to all kinds of destructive behaviour, harmful to myself, others and Life in general.

I commit myself within the awareness of the equal value and oneness of all life to deprogramm myself from all abusive ideas, spitefulness, manipulative behaviour that is following the aims of self interest created by culture and society, which nowadays means: by the industry.

I commit myself to writing on aregular basis to expose those ideas, thought concepts and ideologies that are not determined by myself as a living being, but by my personality structure, formed and created by a society/culture within an abusive, life threatening system of inequality and exploitation, following a self created god called Profit/Money to myself and others.

I commit myself to walk this process in Self Honesty and Self Responsibility until I stand as Life, one and equal, eternally, no matter what challenges may come.