Day 212 - Am I my history? (pt.1)

Today I went through a situation of emotional stress, accompanied by intensive self judgement according to programmed and learned thought patterns that I constructed, accepted and allowed throughout the experiences of my past.

I will take this recent incident as an anker point to move from there in all dimensions of my current mental and physical state, which could be described as an insecure condition of my personality with a desperate search / longing for validation and reassurement from others, wherein that need for validation and appreciation has become a major influence on a main part of my whole inner and outer world, my perception of it, my actions and reactions according to my vague interpretations of this perception and all that already caused trouble, emotional turmoil and even harm to [others in my environment] my family and friends in many different ways and on multiple layers of interpersonal relations.

After these events or that chain of events that I was involved in today and that followed a decision I took earlier that day, I was sitting emotionally shattered in my room for many hours. I started thinking about what had happened and began to ask myself what would and could have happened if this or that hadn't happened or if I would have made a different decision in some case or another.

And all those speculations were followed by an immediate reaction of defense, namely searching for an excuse, a justification that would get this weight of responsibility for my living expression within all these moments off of my shoulders. And I noticed that after about half an hour of thinking and arguing with myself.

So I ralized how I was decieving myself and zoomed in more into the timeline of my memories of my experiences today, and that opened up a whole new bunch of smaller, but equally important decisions and considerations I made inbetween those that I first saw as the only relevant ones. By doing so I was able to come clear about my motivations, my deceptions about them and I clearly saw the decisions to blame the outside, i.e. The outer circumstances and other people's actions.

By figuring all this out I was able to stop myself from looking for justifications for the decisions I made; I stopped myself when I reached such a point where I was looking for excuses, took a breath and observed my emotional reaction, on the surface and as well when I saw that all these excuses aren't actually valid. The interesting thing is, that each loss of self-justification actually was a relief, even though facing the truth of yourself in moments of consequential but careless decisions is anything but a pleasant experience.

A further interesting and important point as I realized is, that the most difficult thing is to overcome these points of self justification where the excuse seems to be an obvious logical fact to oneself. We all live those unspoken laws, dogmas, belief systems, whose validity we take for granted without even thinking about them and if we questioned those systems we'd fear the loss of identity or individuality. It is distinctively unpleasant to stop yourself from ignoring these points or to simply skip them. The paradigm of self honesty is key here and once understood there actually is no way around it without compromising one's own self trust and self esteem in consequence.

Being a human, a human consciousness and in process as we all are, this time again I first walked the path into self torturing mind games where I flushed myself deep down the spiral of my history and into my memories of my history as well as into my usual habit of self pity, followed by a strongly emerging rejection of all that, while I try to block these thoughts and emotions.

(continued one day after the event)

When I got really exhausted just by thinking and triggering emotions and thought patterns for a long period of time I finally was able to slow myself down, calm down and to start writing as I did last night and as I am still doing right now. And although it seemed like I actually am my own history, the story that I told myself and that I still believe in, by writing about it and digging into my emotional experiences and reactions, realizing structures within my personal belief system I become aware of my potential to direct myself within all that and in that moment there is responsibility, acceptance of consequence and the dedication learnfrom that, to forgive and correct myself.

For reasons of privacy and protection of others' personal rights I will not go into thematic detail of the event neither will I mention any names of other people that were involved. This writing is for myself, to stop myself from running routines of self sabotage or walk backwards in my mind, restricting myself and not working with what is here as well as to stop repetition of the same patterns over and over again; to move on, develop my Self, create my Self so that I am not so much part of the problem, but rather a part of the solutions in a way that they are best for all.

To be continued!

 

Tag 200 - Group dynamics, leaders and elites

In every group movement based on democratic principles, one should maintain awareness for a tendency of some of the founders and their companions to form an elitist, exclusive "head", even if they don't recognize it themselves. They might in some cases develop a dangerous attitude to see themselves as unquestionable. But he only point that proves this attitude right is the even more dangerous tendency of those that immediately jump in  when someone is questioning a statement or even asking for a better understanding of a proposition made by one of this sub-group, pretending an argument just to align again in the next move as if they had been convinced. This is like a defense mechanism following the herd instinct of an individual that can block all healthy dynamics of what a group movement's intention actually was. All elitist structures within groups support this process of stagnation, because individual development , integration and participation is no longer seen as a process of mutual and equal support, but rather as an attempt to align with the understandings and  assertions of the elite group only.

But you find these patterns in all areas of human social life, even between two people. Friends will consolidate just for the sake of feeling more secure in their views as a lobby of two or more. People align to mainstream opinions without even understanding them for the same reasons.

Anyway, insecurity remains, and it should remain to a certain level because otherwise certainty could just become a hardened form of ignorance. Being content with oneself, self-responsible and stable as an individual is essential for being a supportive part of a group, but that does not rule out the ability to maintain an open mind, particularly with regards to the process it takes to get to that point of self-integrity.

                                          

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally to patterns that I observe as a group dynamic building sub groups of people that I see as superior and therefore judge them and assume that they behave as an elite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate from a starting point of insecurity when I react emotionally to such a pattern and start an argument just to assure myself of the justification of my point of view, which is in that moment actually self-righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to stop myself within my emotional reaction and to breathe until I am able to approach this point with common sense and articulate what I see with the intention to actually come to an understanding of how and why I see this friction and conflict within myself and the presenting situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush into an interaction and communication out of an emotional turmoil without understanding and clarity of what I am actually heading to, even if I am aware of a point that I see as important to be communicated but that I need to analyze, deconstruct and understand totally in the first place before communicating it.

I commit myself to whenever I react emotionally to a conversation, a situation, an interaction that I perceive to stop myself within that emotional reaction, to breathe in awareness and to see whether my reaction is actually based on common sense, if my presumptions and understanding can stand the test of my own self honesty and self-understanding, and when I still see a point of discussion I commit myself  to articulate it in a clear and commonsensical way with the self-honest intention to clarify and understand, to learn and to grow.

 

Tag 199 - Living process & Self correction - coming back to life pt2

The principles of waking a collective structured process in the face of tasks, duties, jobs and other requirements of everyday life can become a challenge. Here I am working on points of my own experience and resistances, reactions and actual facts where I have/had to make clear decisions in order to commit myself fully to the principles of what is best for all, to the responsibilities of life, of the group and my self.

pt1 here:
http://youtu.be/ebpKAGifuTI


Desteni I Process:
http://desteniiprocess.com

Tag 198 - Process and Life or: Living process

The principles of waking a collective structured process in the face of tasks, duties, jobs and other requirements of everyday life can become a challenge. Here I am working on points of my own experience and resistances, reactions and actual facts where I have to make clear decisions in order to commit myself fully to the principles of what is best for all, to the responsibilities of life, of the group and my self.


Desteni I Process:
http://desteniiprocess.com

Tag 174 - Vom Scheitern zu gefallen Teil I

debaird™ / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Ich bin immer wieder erstaunt über mich selbst, wenn ich im Laufe meines eigenen Prozesses der Selbstentdeckung oder besser gesagt Selbstentlarvung und der selbstehrlichen Neugestaltung feststelle, wie sehr ich über so viele Jahre hinweg mein eigenes Leben an den Ideen oder Vorstellungen anderer ausgerichtet habe. Ich meine damit, dass ich trotz einer inneren Gewissheit ich selbst zu sein in ständigem Dialog und nicht selten auch Konflikt mit mir selbst gestanden habe ob das, was ich denke, tue, mir wünsche und anstrebe tatsächlich akzeptabel, konform und angemessen ist. Dabei war mir nie wirklich bewusst wer oder was diese Konformität oder Angemessenheit bestimmt, was für eine Bedeutung oder welchen Wert sie haben sollten. Es war mir einfach wichtig, angemessen zu wirken, die Anerkennung war das Urbedürfnis, das, wonach ich mich in all meinem Handeln gesehnt habe. Dadurch habe ich eine Persönlichkeit aufgebaut, die in sich völlig instabil und eher zusammengeschustert war, ein Ich, das sich mit scheinheiligen Verhaltensmustern vor der Wirklichkeit versteckt und in jede Handlung, jede Idee und in jeden Wunsch den Keim der Unsicherheit und Angst gesetzt hat.

Es gibt eigentlich nur einen einzigen Grund für diese Ängste und Unsicherheiten, so wie es auch nur diesen einen Grund für die Sehnsucht nach Anerkennung anderer gibt, nämlich die Entfremdung vom eigentlichen Selbst, vom wahren Kern der eigenen Existenz und all ihrer Verbindlichkeiten.

Wie ist das gemeint? Das eigene Selbst wahrhaftig zu kennen und zu verstehen ist das, was am Ende des Weges der selbstehrlichen Selbstoffenbarung liegt. Das Selbst als diese Existenz, als dieser Atmende Körper, das Lebendige, jeder winzige Teil davon und alles was ihn am Leben erhält, das Untrennbare, die Einheit des Ganzen. Ich kann sicher nicht von mir behaupten zu diesem Punkt bereits vorgestoßen zu sein und ich bin sicher, dass dieser Weg ein lebenslanger Weg ist, doch jeder Schritt, jede Offenlegung einer neuen Schicht selbstverblendeter Scheinidentität unter der die man mühsam aufgebrochen hat zeigt deutlich die Richtung, zeigt deutlich die Prinzipien und Methoden der Selbstverleugnung, die Schutzmechanismen der Programme die man Persönlichkeit nennt auf. Dadurch lässt sich mit dem menschlichen Verstand Einsicht und Verstehen erreichen. Und das bedeutet, dass man eine Lüge gegenüber sich selbst und gegenüber dem Leben eindeutig erkennen kann, dass man auch die Methoden der gewählten Ignoranz und ihrer Rechtfertigung erkennen und entlarven kann. Und dass man auch die selbstgefälligen und von Angst gespeisten Routinen bemerken kann, die auch diese Erkenntnis zu leugnen versuchen. Die Persönlichkeit, die Identität, die Sprache, die Wortbedeutungen und die emotionalen Verknüpfungen, unsere Empfindungen und Gedanken, all das ist zu großen Teilen in unser Bewusstsein verlagert und hat in vielen Bereichen den Kontakt zur Wirklichkeit bereits verloren. Wir existieren, fühlen, reagieren fast ausschließlich in unseren Gedanken und dann wägen wir ab, schmieden Pläne und entwerfen Strategien wie wir die Wirklichkeit um uns herum derart manipulieren könnten, dass sie sich weitgehend unseren inneren Vorstellungswelten anpasst, als ob diese inneren, substanzlosen Welten mehr Bedeutung, mehr Wert für uns hätten als die Wirklichkeit, die wahrhaftige, physische Existenz. Und das glauben wir tatsächlich, also diese Bedeutung schreiben wir unseren Gedankenwelten zu. Auch entgegen jede Vernunft, den Bereich unserer Bewusstseinswelt und unserer Gedanken ignorierend, der tatsächlich einen sinnvollen Nutzen für uns und das Leben haben könnte. Anders ist die zerstörerische, Verschwenderische und parasitäre Lebensweise die wir Menschen als Gesellschaften gewählt und erschaffen haben nicht zu erklären. Wir handeln gegen offensichtliche  Vernunftgründe, denken kurzfristig und nutzen unsere Fähigkeiten ohne jede Verantwortlichkeit. Schadensbegrenzung dient für uns aller höchstens unserem eigenen, ganz persönlichen Wohl und Komfort und richtet sich auf ein Zeitfenster, das unsere eigene Lebensspanne, vielleicht gerade noch die unserer Kinder mit einbezieht. Und somit setzt sich die Zerstörung unentwegt fort, denn genau dieses Verhalten vermitteln und übermitteln wir natürlich auch unseren Kindern. 

Sich kontinuierlich selbst zu belügen heißt zwangsläufig auch andere zu täuschen. Dadurch ist oder scheint diese Bewusstseinsentwicklung kaum zu durchbrechen zu sein. Wir haben oft nicht einmal die Chance dazu, denn tatsächlich wirkt unsere Selbsttäuschung so gut, dass wir sie kaum noch bemerken, bzw. selbst an sie glauben, sie als „unsere Natur“ zu betrachten. Und das ist der gefährlichste Denkfehler, die dogmatische Akzeptanz der eigenen Unzulänglichkeit. Sie ist ein religiöses Machtmittel, als die Methode der externalisierten Schuldzuweisung. Wahrlich eine Haarige Situation, denn diese Schuld, sofern sie denn eine ist, ist genau der Angstfaktor, ist das Monster vor dem wir uns fürchten, vor dem wir davonlaufen, weil wir wissen, dass wenn wir uns ihm stellen, es uns zerfleischen würde. Doch tatsächlich würde es sich auf unsere eingebildeten Identitäten, unsere Gedankenwelten stürzen, es würde unsere Egos zerreißen und uns die Fetzen um die Ohren schlagen. Sich dieser Angst zu stellen und sie zu überleben als das, was von dir übrig bleibt, das ist der steinige und unangenehme Weg in die Freiheit für das wahre, eigentliche Selbst das erst dann zu seiner Größe und Stärke heranwachsen kann, wenn dieses Monster seinen Schrecken verloren hat und wir erkennen, dass es in Wahrheit ein treuer Freund und Begleiter ist, ein Sicherheitsfaktor der uns immer wieder vor den Fallen der institutionalisierten Programme unseres gesteuerten Bewusstseins warnt, und zwar immer dort, wo wir den Kontakt zu uns selbst, zu der Einheit und der bodenständigen Wahrhaftigkeit des Lebens hier in diesem Moment, diesem Atemzug der Körperlichkeit zu verlieren drohen.

Fortsetzung folgt...

Tag 171 - The Desteni of Living - My declaration of Principle

I commit myself to lve by the following priciples, to stand as a living example not only for my children, but for every child in this world and those to come. I will continue this post as a series whereby I step by step walk through the principles with examples from my own personal process of self willed self change.

The following posts related to this one will most likely be in german as this is my mother tongue.
This declaration post is in english language because it has been a group agreement to share this as an equal starting point for all sharing this process and standing by these statements.

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment  and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth