Today I went through a situation of
emotional stress, accompanied by intensive self judgement according
to programmed and learned thought patterns that I constructed,
accepted and allowed throughout the experiences of my past.
I will take this recent incident as an
anker point to move from there in all dimensions of my current mental
and physical state, which could be described as an insecure condition
of my personality with a desperate search / longing for validation
and reassurement from others, wherein that need for validation and
appreciation has become a major influence on a main part of my whole
inner and outer world, my perception of it, my actions and reactions
according to my vague interpretations of this perception and all that
already caused trouble, emotional turmoil and even harm to [others in
my environment] my family and friends in many different ways and on
multiple layers of interpersonal relations.
After these events or that chain of
events that I was involved in today and that followed a decision I
took earlier that day, I was sitting emotionally shattered in my room
for many hours. I started thinking about what had happened and began
to ask myself what would and could have happened if this or that
hadn't happened or if I would have made a different decision in some
case or another.
And all those speculations were
followed by an immediate reaction of defense, namely searching for an
excuse, a justification that would get this weight of responsibility
for my living expression within all these moments off of my
shoulders. And I noticed that after about half an hour of thinking
and arguing with myself.
So I ralized how I was decieving myself
and zoomed in more into the timeline of my memories of my experiences
today, and that opened up a whole new bunch of smaller, but equally
important decisions and considerations I made inbetween those that I
first saw as the only relevant ones. By doing so I was able to come
clear about my motivations, my deceptions about them and I clearly
saw the decisions to blame the outside, i.e. The outer circumstances
and other people's actions.
By figuring all this out I was able to
stop myself from looking for justifications for the decisions I made;
I stopped myself when I reached such a point where I was looking for
excuses, took a breath and observed my emotional reaction, on the
surface and as well when I saw that all these excuses aren't actually
valid. The interesting thing is, that each loss of self-justification
actually was a relief, even though facing the truth of yourself in
moments of consequential but careless decisions is anything but a
pleasant experience.
A further interesting and important point
as I realized is, that the most difficult thing is to overcome these
points of self justification where the excuse seems to be an obvious
logical fact to oneself. We all live those unspoken laws, dogmas,
belief systems, whose validity we take for granted without even
thinking about them and if we questioned those systems we'd fear the loss
of identity or individuality. It is distinctively unpleasant to stop
yourself from ignoring these points or to simply skip them. The
paradigm of self honesty is key here and once understood there
actually is no way around it without compromising one's own self
trust and self esteem in consequence.
Being a human, a human consciousness and in process as we all are, this time again I first walked the path into self torturing mind games where I flushed myself deep down the spiral of my history and into my memories of my history as well as into my usual habit of self pity, followed by a strongly emerging rejection of all that, while I try to block these thoughts and emotions.
(continued one day after the event)
When I got really exhausted just by thinking and triggering emotions and thought patterns for a long period of time I finally was able to slow myself down, calm down and to start writing as I did last
night and as I am still doing right now. And although it seemed like I actually am my own history, the story that I told myself and that I still believe in, by writing about it and digging into my emotional experiences and reactions, realizing structures within my personal belief system I become aware of my potential to direct myself within all that and in that moment there is responsibility, acceptance of consequence and the dedication learnfrom that, to forgive and correct myself.
For reasons of privacy and protection
of others' personal rights I will not go into thematic detail of the
event neither will I mention any names of other people that were
involved. This writing is for myself, to stop myself from running
routines of self sabotage or walk backwards in my mind, restricting
myself and not working with what is here as well as to stop repetition of the
same patterns over and over again; to move on, develop my
Self, create my Self so that I am not so much part of the problem, but rather
a part of the solutions in a way that they are best for all.
To be continued!
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