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| by Marlen Vargas Del Razo |
Ok this is a good opportunity to face
myself in the I've lost track' character, or the 'I Give Up'
Character that I have allowed and accepted to develop within and as
myself.
I am sitting here reading posts from
fellow destonians on FB and Twitter and when I read and see the huge
amount of work, self commitment and self sharing of those people and
I look at myself, how I have been busy for weeks now sorting out 'my
own' life, meaning doing things like furnishing my office, organizing
my two jobs and caring for my son/family, I feel useless and see
myself as a failure. I know that all the work that I have been doing
is absolutely necessary and it needs to be done in order to establish
a basis from which I can work on my journey to life and my sharing of
it. But I see that I have been deluding myself to a certain extend in
questions of having time to do blogs and vlogs. I did blogs and I did
daily writings, but I did not publish them because I thought them to
be worthless and in most cases they remained unfinished. Within all
that realization of mself as a failure character, I start to compare
myself now with how I have been committing myself some months ago,
when I did daily Vlogs, Blogs and participated on FB much more and I
see myself even more degenerated then. And like that I have been
devaluating myself each day that I did not commit myself to my self
honesty and self forgiveness, to my process of self change and
purification. Each and every day I had more self justifying reasons
to NOT participate, to NOT commit myself more. This is the self
entrapment of the mind, the self protecting programms of the ego, the
delusion of a real existance as a character that pretends to be you,
to be more worth than life itself.
Useless, worthless, hopeless,
senseless, failure, inferior - those are the words, values and characteristics that determine my
life everyday when I accept and allow myself to become the failure /
I give Up / I cannot - character to determine myself, my decisions,
my motivation, my intentions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I was not able to do as much work
as others do and that I allowed myself to make up self righteous
justifications why I was not writing and blogging with the same self
commitment like others do, like for example 'I have to care for my
son and therefore I am too much distracted, because everytime I start
to write a few sentences, I have to take him away from something or
he wants to play with me or anything like that - and therefore it is
useless to even start writing' while in fact if I was seriously self
honest and willing to commit myself to the task of daily writing I
would have more than enough time even on a busy day to write at least
one Blog, even in between other tasks it is absolutely possible to
write a Blog, and all excuses are just attempts to keep up a false
image and an allowance of self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look for justifications of not committing
myself fully to the task of daily writing in my inferiority complex
when I deliberately start to trigger it by looking at other people's
efforts, works, blogs and vlogs on FB or desteni forums and then
comparing my self created idea of uselessness, inferiority and
incapability with it, what makes my character feel justified and
approved as a failure and inferior worthless imposter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create thoughts within my 'I Give Up' character
that I let cover my mind everytime I start writing with ideas of
things that are more important and need to be done immediately now,
which can be tasks in the household, like doing laundry, cleaning the
kitchen or anything else so that I distract myself so much from the
task that I will stop in the middle of it and leave it unfinished.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself not to see how writing and self forgiveness are
the tools that in self honesty free myself and helped myself to see
and realize so many self created traps and enslavements that I have
accepted and allowed to determine my life for so long and how
relieving it was when I for the first time saw and proved to myself
that I am responsible for Life, not only mine but all Life, and the
consequences that I create here in this existance, how self
empowering it was to accept my self responsibility and to face all my
fears, accumulated characteristics and self delusions and how the
daily commitment to self honest writing and self forgiveness cleared
the fog of the mind step by step, and when it was absolutely clear to
me that this was the first real thing that I ever had done in my
life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to loose mySelf within falling back in to old
habits of self righteous self justifications of egoistic delusive
behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deliberately forget how my self commitment and
self honest self purification is an absolutely necessary step to
create a future for my own child as well as for all life and that all
self justifications and excuses that use my own child in order to
prevent myself from having to commit myself to the tasks of daily
writing are actually abusive and spiteful self-deceit.
I commit myself to realize in every
moment of self righteous attempts to find excuses for not writing,
not blogging and not working with myself and on the process of self
purification that I am am not self honest, that I am not here,
actually alive existing in this moment as life, but hiding within
mind constructs and trying to build an existance as a character, an
idea consisting of thoughts and fantasies, that I am in this moment
of self deception robbing life, abusing life and not supporting it as
myself and as what I really am, here, breathing.
I commit myself to realign myself with
common sense and the only true choice one has as a living human
being: to commit yourself to self honesty and to self purification in
order to create a future of man, a future of life together, one and
equal with and as all life that is worth living, that carries the one
true value, the value of life itself.
I commit myself to free myself from all
self created limitations and egoistic self justifications of abusive
and self centered behaviour that only serves one purpose, the
cultivation of the character peronality of an energy addict, striving
for energy hype-experiences, using and abusing what is really here
and alive, the substance, the physical, in order to satisfy the
imaginary needs and desires of the mind creature, the ego, that is
not even real or has any value for life itself.
I commit myself to daily writing and to
sharing my process with all others so that each and everyone will see
that we all have the same opportunity of one free choice: to stand
for ourselves as Life, one and equal, or to follow preprogrammed
intentions that serve the egoistic personality regardless of all life
threatening consequences as slaves to the system that we all allow
and accept to determine ourselves.
I commit myself to realize that all
resignation, frustration, despair and depression is actually created
by myself and self imposed as it's purpose is to aviod self honesty
and to justify the lazy ignorant and egoistic habits of the thought
system 'Ego' as a variable character identity as fantasy.
I commit myself to stop my self
limitation as an acceptance and allowance and to realize that it will
eventually destroy myself and the chance of choice to support life,
to accept my self responsibility as life in order to create a future
for life, for my child as well as for all children.
I will not accept and allow myself to
become enslaved by my though concepts of giving up, inferiority and
overwhelmedness again. Instead I will use any attempt of my so far
accepted and allowed characters to delude myself and to strenthen my
ignorance towards reality to stop in every momentary attempt, to
investigate these thoughts and trace them back to the fears and their
roots, and I will dare to face in self honesty what, how and when I
have accepted and allowed them to control and determine my Life and
within each realization I will make the choice for Life and apply
Self forgiveness and self corrective statement application so that I
will step by step free myself from all heteronomy by conditionings
and idealized, egocentric thought concepts and 'characteristics'.
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