|by Marlen Vargas Del Razo|
Sonntag, 29. Juli 2012
Day 32 - "I've lost track..." character
Ok this is a good opportunity to face myself in the I've lost track' character, or the 'I Give Up' Character that I have allowed and accepted to develop within and as myself.
I am sitting here reading posts from fellow destonians on FB and Twitter and when I read and see the huge amount of work, self commitment and self sharing of those people and I look at myself, how I have been busy for weeks now sorting out 'my own' life, meaning doing things like furnishing my office, organizing my two jobs and caring for my son/family, I feel useless and see myself as a failure. I know that all the work that I have been doing is absolutely necessary and it needs to be done in order to establish a basis from which I can work on my journey to life and my sharing of it. But I see that I have been deluding myself to a certain extend in questions of having time to do blogs and vlogs. I did blogs and I did daily writings, but I did not publish them because I thought them to be worthless and in most cases they remained unfinished. Within all that realization of mself as a failure character, I start to compare myself now with how I have been committing myself some months ago, when I did daily Vlogs, Blogs and participated on FB much more and I see myself even more degenerated then. And like that I have been devaluating myself each day that I did not commit myself to my self honesty and self forgiveness, to my process of self change and purification. Each and every day I had more self justifying reasons to NOT participate, to NOT commit myself more. This is the self entrapment of the mind, the self protecting programms of the ego, the delusion of a real existance as a character that pretends to be you, to be more worth than life itself.
Useless, worthless, hopeless, senseless, failure, inferior - those are the words, values and characteristics that determine my life everyday when I accept and allow myself to become the failure / I give Up / I cannot - character to determine myself, my decisions, my motivation, my intentions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not able to do as much work as others do and that I allowed myself to make up self righteous justifications why I was not writing and blogging with the same self commitment like others do, like for example 'I have to care for my son and therefore I am too much distracted, because everytime I start to write a few sentences, I have to take him away from something or he wants to play with me or anything like that - and therefore it is useless to even start writing' while in fact if I was seriously self honest and willing to commit myself to the task of daily writing I would have more than enough time even on a busy day to write at least one Blog, even in between other tasks it is absolutely possible to write a Blog, and all excuses are just attempts to keep up a false image and an allowance of self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for justifications of not committing myself fully to the task of daily writing in my inferiority complex when I deliberately start to trigger it by looking at other people's efforts, works, blogs and vlogs on FB or desteni forums and then comparing my self created idea of uselessness, inferiority and incapability with it, what makes my character feel justified and approved as a failure and inferior worthless imposter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts within my 'I Give Up' character that I let cover my mind everytime I start writing with ideas of things that are more important and need to be done immediately now, which can be tasks in the household, like doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen or anything else so that I distract myself so much from the task that I will stop in the middle of it and leave it unfinished.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see how writing and self forgiveness are the tools that in self honesty free myself and helped myself to see and realize so many self created traps and enslavements that I have accepted and allowed to determine my life for so long and how relieving it was when I for the first time saw and proved to myself that I am responsible for Life, not only mine but all Life, and the consequences that I create here in this existance, how self empowering it was to accept my self responsibility and to face all my fears, accumulated characteristics and self delusions and how the daily commitment to self honest writing and self forgiveness cleared the fog of the mind step by step, and when it was absolutely clear to me that this was the first real thing that I ever had done in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose mySelf within falling back in to old habits of self righteous self justifications of egoistic delusive behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately forget how my self commitment and self honest self purification is an absolutely necessary step to create a future for my own child as well as for all life and that all self justifications and excuses that use my own child in order to prevent myself from having to commit myself to the tasks of daily writing are actually abusive and spiteful self-deceit.
I commit myself to realize in every moment of self righteous attempts to find excuses for not writing, not blogging and not working with myself and on the process of self purification that I am am not self honest, that I am not here, actually alive existing in this moment as life, but hiding within mind constructs and trying to build an existance as a character, an idea consisting of thoughts and fantasies, that I am in this moment of self deception robbing life, abusing life and not supporting it as myself and as what I really am, here, breathing.
I commit myself to realign myself with common sense and the only true choice one has as a living human being: to commit yourself to self honesty and to self purification in order to create a future of man, a future of life together, one and equal with and as all life that is worth living, that carries the one true value, the value of life itself.
I commit myself to free myself from all self created limitations and egoistic self justifications of abusive and self centered behaviour that only serves one purpose, the cultivation of the character peronality of an energy addict, striving for energy hype-experiences, using and abusing what is really here and alive, the substance, the physical, in order to satisfy the imaginary needs and desires of the mind creature, the ego, that is not even real or has any value for life itself.
I commit myself to daily writing and to sharing my process with all others so that each and everyone will see that we all have the same opportunity of one free choice: to stand for ourselves as Life, one and equal, or to follow preprogrammed intentions that serve the egoistic personality regardless of all life threatening consequences as slaves to the system that we all allow and accept to determine ourselves.
I commit myself to realize that all resignation, frustration, despair and depression is actually created by myself and self imposed as it's purpose is to aviod self honesty and to justify the lazy ignorant and egoistic habits of the thought system 'Ego' as a variable character identity as fantasy.
I commit myself to stop my self limitation as an acceptance and allowance and to realize that it will eventually destroy myself and the chance of choice to support life, to accept my self responsibility as life in order to create a future for life, for my child as well as for all children.
I will not accept and allow myself to become enslaved by my though concepts of giving up, inferiority and overwhelmedness again. Instead I will use any attempt of my so far accepted and allowed characters to delude myself and to strenthen my ignorance towards reality to stop in every momentary attempt, to investigate these thoughts and trace them back to the fears and their roots, and I will dare to face in self honesty what, how and when I have accepted and allowed them to control and determine my Life and within each realization I will make the choice for Life and apply Self forgiveness and self corrective statement application so that I will step by step free myself from all heteronomy by conditionings and idealized, egocentric thought concepts and 'characteristics'.